Texts From Karakura College
by TheJadeGeorge
Summary: Random Texts from Students from Karakura College
1. Chapter 1

AN: This right here is based off of texts from taccoa hall, and they will be turned into a series of drabbles/one shots. It's a college AU with the older Captains as teachers and stuff. IchiRuki all the way. I've decided to re-upload this. Soooooo, yeah. Let's see how long it lasts.

From Ichigo to Ishida:

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"

* * *

From Shuuhei to Izuru:

(312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

* * *

From Matsumoto to Toshiro:

(781): I was just told by the police that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hinamori:

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): and you said?

(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

* * *

From Ichigo to Renji about Byakuya:

(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

* * *

From Ikkaku to Yumichika:

(915): I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

* * *

Mass text from Kenpachi:

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

* * *

From Rukia to Matsumoto:

(219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

* * *

From Nanao to Nemu about Kyoraku:

(516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

* * *

From Isshin to Kisuke:

(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

* * *

From Ishida to Ichigo:

(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hitsugaya:

(315):So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

* * *

From Kisuke to Ichigo:

(519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

* * *

From Rukia to Hinamori about Ichigo:

(315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

* * *

From Yumichika to Ikkaku:

(613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

* * *

From Kyoraku to Ukitake:

(704):One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

* * *

From Chad to Ishida:

(631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

* * *

From Ichigo to Shuuhei:

(248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

* * *

From Rukia to Matsumoto about Isshin:

(770): his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

* * *

From Ichigo to Rukia:

(815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

* * *

From Nanao to Kyorako about Ikkaku:

(972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

* * *

From Hinamori to Matsumoto:

(270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

* * *

From Izuru to Shuuhei:

(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

* * *

From Ichigo to Chad about Ishida:

(216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

* * *

From Kisuke to Yoruichi:

(806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

* * *

From Renji to Tessai:

(503):Hey man your outta milk

(541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hinamori:

(773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

* * *

From Rukia to Ichigo:

(217): Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

* * *

From Toshiro to Hinamori about Ikkaku:

(516):He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

* * *

From Ichigo to Byakuya

(646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.


	2. of boobs, beer and Zaraki

AN: Here comes the second chapter and the second round of texts! Also, I've been getting tons of alerts, but not every many seem to reviewing. Please review? Now remember, this is an AU

* * *

From Grimmjow to Ichigo:

(541): for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

* * *

From Tatsuki to Orihime:

(651): you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

* * *

From Shuuhei to Izuru:

(810): Grimmjow and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

* * *

From Rukia to Hinamori about Matsomoto:

(204): She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

* * *

From Chad to Ichigo:

(925):So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made

* * *

From Renji to Izuru about Byakuya:

(419): Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

* * *

From Hinamori to Matsumoto:

(602):Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

* * *

From Nanao to Ukitake:

(303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

* * *

From Rukia to Renji:

(262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking?

(262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

* * *

From Rukia to Ichigo after Renji got her high

(239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

* * *

From Yachiru to Kenpachi:

(310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?

* * *

From Matsumoto to Toshiro:

(207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

* * *

From Renji to Grimmjow:

(814): dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

* * *

From Shuuhei to Ichigo:

(303): Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

* * *

From Ishida to Orihime:

(914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

* * *

From Yachiru to Ikkau:

(305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

* * *

From Isshin to Kisuke:

(702): Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

* * *

From Rukia to Kiyone:

(781): My bra broke... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

* * *

From Ichigo to Ishida about Rukia:

(407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

* * *

From Shuuhei to Matsumoto:

(937): I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

* * *

From Yumichika to Ikkaku:

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

* * *

From Aizen to Ichimaru:

(859): I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

* * *

From Zaraki to Ikkaku and Yumichika:

(301): Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night

* * *

From Ichigo to Renji about Ulquiorra:

(775): He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speechless

* * *

From Izuru to Hinamori:

(914): Shuuhei got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

* * *

From Kyoraku to Ukitake:

(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

* * *

Why Ichigo and Renji can't drink together:

(740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

* * *

From Rukia to Renji:

(337):I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

* * *

From Chad to Grimmjow:

(585): you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in Spanish

* * *

From Rukia to Kiyone about Kyoraku:

(314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!

* * *

From Griimmjow to Ishida:

(803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

* * *

From Ichigo to Byakuya:

(336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

* * *

From Ikkaku to Yumichika:

(602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

* * *

From Grimmjow to Ulquiora:

(850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

* * *

Mass text from Rukia:

(504): I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

* * *

From Zaraki to Ikkaku:

(615): just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

* * *

From Ichigo to Ishida:

(240):This kid is drunk.

(410):I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.


	3. Of Tacos, more boobs and things

AN: Here goes chapter three! Aww yeah.

Plus, I kind of feel like I should explain this, everyone who isn't Ukitake, Kyoraku, Byakuya, Yoruichi, Isshin and all that jazz are out of school. Everyone else lives in Seireitei hall. It goes like this.

Room 200: Ichigo, Ishida, Renji and Grimmjow

Room 201: Rukia, Orihime, Matsumoto and Hinamori

Room 202: Kira, Shuuhei, Hitsugaya and Ulqiorra

Room 203: Nanao, Kiyone, Isane and Hiyori

Room 204: Chad, Ikkaku, Yumichicka and Shinji

* * *

From Renji to Grimmjow:

(864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

* * *

From Hinamori to Hitsugaya:

(516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

* * *

From Grimmjow to Ulquiora:

(408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

* * *

From Ganju to Kukaku:

(662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

* * *

From Ichigo to Ikkaku about Yumichika:

(908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

* * *

From Kira to Shuuhei:

(239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

* * *

From Rukia to Matsumoto about Ichigo:

(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

* * *

From Kisuke to Ichigo:

(330): Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

* * *

From Rukia to Ishida:

(717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl

* * *

From Hiyori to Shinji:

(219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

* * *

From Hitsugaya to Matsumoto:

(732) :you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): did i?

* * *

From Ichigo to Renji:

(540): it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking

* * *

Guy night out:

(609): We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

* * *

Seireitei Hall keeps on shocking the campus:

(303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

* * *

From Grimmjow to Shuuhei:

(718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

* * *

From Ichigo to Rukia about Shuuhei:

(516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

* * *

From Ichigo to Ishida:

(302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): You mean inside out.

(302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

* * *

From Hinamori to Rukia:

(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

* * *

From Hiyori to Matsumoto:

(714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

* * *

From Renji to Hinamori:

(425): So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

* * *

From Ichigo to Grimmjow:

(515): Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

* * *

From Rukia to Ichigo:

(520): I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

* * *

From Shinji to Hiyori:

(218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hinamori:

(907): Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

* * *

From Shuuhei to Kira:

(908): i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

* * *

From Kyoraku to Ukitake:

(408): im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

* * *

From Renji to Grimmjow:

(480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480):Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480):You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

* * *

Kisuke made the mistake of letting room 200 use his vehicle:

(843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

* * *

From Matsumoto to Ishida:

(250): I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

* * *

From Isshin to Kisuke:

(503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

* * *

From Ichigo to Rukia:

(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

* * *

People question Ulqiorra's sexuality:

(508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

* * *

From Renji to Ikkaku:

(250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

* * *

From Ikkaku to Yumichika:

(765): we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

* * *

From Ichigo to Matsomoto:

(816):Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): ... wtf.

* * *

From Hinamori to Renji:

(805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

* * *

From Matsumoto to Nanao:

(617): i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): dont be selfish, show some boob

* * *

From Ichigo to Rukia about Grimmjow:

(305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

* * *

From Renji to Ichigo about Byakuya:

(847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

* * *

The ladies cause a jealousy where ever they go:

(248): I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

* * *

From Shuuhei to Matsumoto:

(831): There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

* * *

Mass text from Ikkau with no warning:

(785): That reminds me...we need to get swords


	4. Random college things

AN: And here goes the fourth chapter. And why yes, this may seem a little OOC, but remember, this is a AU, these students aren't dealing with war here. Also, I'm starting a full length fic based on this. Another also, Rukia is a musical theater major. Btw.

* * *

From Ichigo to Ishida:

(678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

* * *

This is the last time Ganju gets to pick the hangout spot:

(229): It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a pig pen in the back.

(904): Keeping it classy as usual I see

* * *

From Ichigo to Isshin:

(805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): budget cuts

(805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): budget cuts are serious business

* * *

From Renji to Grimmjow:

(309): You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

* * *

From Renji to Ishida:

(907): Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hinamori:

(203): Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

* * *

Grimmjow only wanted to watch his movie:

(314): The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

* * *

From Shuuhei to Ishida:

(845): Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

* * *

From Renji to Matsumoto:

(724): you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer

* * *

From Hinamori to Rukia about Ichigo:

(623): Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

* * *

From Orihime to Rukia about Ishida while Drunk:

(210): want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

* * *

When Renji found out Tatsuki broke her arm:

(917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

* * *

From Rukia to Matsumoto:

(206):imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

* * *

From Zaraki to Ikkaku:

(843): I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

* * *

Grimmjow likes to brag about being the Ladies' resident gay:

(580): And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

* * *

From Renji to Ulquiorra;

(615):I'm watching ellen!

(1-615):just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

* * *

From Matsumoto to Hinamori:

(317): Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

* * *

From Shuuhei to Ururu:

(248): your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love.y our. neighborhood.

(P.s. Shuuhei studies under Urahara, and Ururu is Urahara's adopted daughter.)

* * *

When Ichigo parties he parties hard:

(608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

* * *

Karaoke night wasn't to kind to Kyoraku:

(219):NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): wow.

* * *

When Byakuya was younger, he had quite the fan club:

(904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

* * *

From Byakuya to Ichigo:

(410): Fool. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): I accept this challenge.

* * *

From Hinamori to Matsumoto:

(918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

* * *

From Nanao to Shuuhei:

(201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): youre welcome

* * *

From Ukitake to Kyoraku:

(201): Apparently, Last night Nanao convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.

* * *

Grimmjow loves him some Mexican food:

(386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

* * *

From Shuuhei to Kira:

(650): We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

* * *

From Ulquiorra to Ichigo:

(336): 16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay

* * *

From Ichigo to Rukia:

(317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

* * *

From Matsumoto to Kira:

(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

* * *

From Soi Fon to Yoruichi:

(330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

* * *

From Ichigo to Ikkaku:

(440): So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

* * *

Mass text from Rukia:

(804):I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

* * *

Rukia has been influencing Ichigo:

(561): if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat

* * *

From Renji to Grimmjow:

(516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants


End file.
